Category Archives: Life

On planning

I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer Bloglily’s question about planning for a while now, and I’m finding it difficult, largely because, with one exception, I plan in such a non-planned, unorganized way. I plan only when I need to and I usually make up a new system each time. I keep a calendar during the school year to keep track of meetings and appointments, but the truth is, I could probably do without it and not miss much because I tend to remember what it is I have to do and where I’m supposed to be. During the summer I have no calendar at all. These days I keep to-do lists on emails which I’m constantly writing to myself, but, again, I don’t really need them because I can always remember what they say.

I don’t plan for the sake of keeping my life organized — my life isn’t that complicated; rather, I plan in order to give myself the illusion of control. So when my life gets a bit busier, the to-do lists get longer and much more detailed, and I begin to take more pleasure in writing them up and erasing items off them. I start to add things to the list merely for the pleasure of crossing them off right away.

I also tend to record what it is I’ve done at least as much as I make plans about what it is I will do. This is another way to create the illusion of control and progress. I keep track of how many hours I’ve worked, how many papers I’ve graded, how many hours I’ve ridden my bike, how many words I’ve written, how many books I’ve read. But as I’m unplanned about my planning, all these records are spread out in various places and in various formats. I have journals where I recorded how many hours I worked on my dissertation, files with lists of books I’ve read, calendars with the number of hours I worked, and accounts on websites like Bikejournal where I’ve logged the number of miles I’ve ridden. The point isn’t to accumulate a mass of material about how I’ve spent my life; rather the point is the writing up of it all, the satisfaction of recording the day’s accomplishments.

Cycling is the one exception to this general haphazardness.  Here I take great pleasure in creating elaborate plans, beautifully detailed plans, marvelously logical and well-structured ones that, if I followed them, would certainly make me a much better cyclist. I use Joe Friel’s The Cyclist’s Training Bible to guide my race training, and Friel is a man who loves complexity and detail. His book walks you through an elaborate process to help you determine how to set yearly goals, how to determine your current fitness, and how to decide on the number of hours you should ride a year.

Once you have some basic information, he tells you to choose the most important races of the year and to focus your training on those. You should create a calendar (he gives you a template for one) that works backward from those target races to determine when you should start your training season. You divide that period, about six months long, into smaller sections of 3-4 weeks each. Each of these sections has its own training focus and each week within that section gets assigned a certain number of hours of training, based on the yearly hours you have chosen. You take that weekly number of hours and divide it among 5 or 6 days worth of workouts for that week according to a chart in his book; so, for example, if you are supposed to train 9 hours on a particular week, he tells you to ride 3 hours on one day, 2 hours on another, 1 1/2 on two different days, and 1 hour on the last day. You can choose to do these rides on whatever day makes sense, although it’s best to vary long rides with short ones.

But it’s more complicated than that! You’re supposed to do different types of workouts in different training periods, and a certain number of each type of workout each week. So, during the hypothetical week where you’re riding 9 hours, say during a week fairly late in the season when the workouts are more intense, you might need to ride two endurance rides where you ride at medium intensity, one force ride where you work on hills, one muscular endurance ride where you ride fairly fast for a long period of time, and one anaerobic endurance ride where you work on riding very fast for shorter periods of time. And how do you know how fast to ride? You find your lactic threshold heartrate (though testing) and look it up on a chart in the book that tells you your heartrate zones and which heartrates you should be aiming for on each ride.

There are different options for each of these types of workouts; for example, you might do a muscular endurance workout that requires you to ride in a particular heartrate zone for 50 minutes, or another that asks you to ride hard for six minutes and rest for two minutes and to repeat the sequence six times. Or you might do a force workout that asks you to ride hills of a particular steepness that take you, say, five minutes or longer to climb.

Now, I’m imagining that all this will thrill some of you and horrify others. For myself, I’m thrilled by it. I like the idea of following all the rules and doing the tests and setting up a riding schedule with all this great detail. The problem, though, as you can probably guess, is that following through on all this detail is impossible. Every year I have a training plan and each year I fail at it. Usually it’s a combination of weather and work that gives me trouble. What am I supposed to do if we have a week of snow? (Certainly not ride indoors on my trainer — that would drive me insane). What am I supposed to do if work keeps me indoors all day for four days in a row so I have no sunlight to get out and ride in? Or what happens if I get sick? Or burnt-out?

All these things have happened at one time or another. In response, I modify my plan and keep riding, making things up a little more as I go along instead of rigidly sticking to my plan. The thing is, making up a plan is a lot more fun than sticking to it, and so when real life keeps me from doing all the rides I’m supposed to, I don’t get upset; I just do my best to salvage things and keep going. It’s worked pretty well so far, I suppose.

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Happy Friday Everyone!

I had a lovely afternoon hanging out with Hepzibah; we met for lunch and then hung out in one of my town’s used bookstores. There are few things nicer than spending time with a friend in a used bookstore, is there? I didn’t buy anything, but that doesn’t matter; it was just fun to look around. The shop owner now knows me well enough to inquire after Muttboy when I see him, so we had a nice conversation today about how well-behaved he is.

And then I went on a bike ride, which convinced me, although I can’t say I really needed convincing, that it’s gotten cold out. Today’s high was in the low 40s, and it was a bit windy, conditions that feel rough for me right now, although when January and February come around, temps in the low 40s will begin to sound balmy. It takes me awhile to adjust to cold-weather riding, and it’s particularly true this year, as I took a break from riding for a couple weeks, and in that time, temperatures plummeted. So I went from riding in the 60s and 70s to riding in the 40s all at once. All at once, I’m having to pile on the layers before I head out, tank-top, short-sleeved t-shirt, long-sleeved t-shirt, armwarmers, jersey, long-fingered gloves, cycling gloves, shorts, tights, heavy socks, shoes, and heavy shoe covers. Now it takes at least 15 minutes to prepare for a ride, possibly longer, if I can’t find all my clothing all at once.

I must say, I’m feeling rather unmotivated to ride right now. This is fine for the moment, as it’s still the off-season, and I can afford to take it easy. But soon enough, I’ll need to start training for spring. I’m not sure what the problem is — perhaps it’s feeling stressed about school or perhaps I’m still feeling a bit draggy from the cold I’ve had over the last couple weeks. But I hope it passes … it takes a lot of motivation to head out into the cold.

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Filed under Books, Cycling, Life

A Post About Me

Many thanks to Charlotte for tagging me for this meme! I need a topic this evening that won’t tax my brain too much, and this is perfect, although I must say, I have been running words through my head all day, trying to come up with ones that fit. Here are the instructions for the meme:

List one fact, word or tidbit that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your first or middle name. You can theme it to your blog or make it general. Then tag one person for each letter of your name.

So here goes:

D: Dogs. I was not always a lover of dogs; it was getting Muttboy that changed me from a person intimidated by them to one who will approach just about any dog to say hello. Muttboy pretty much runs things in our household; his two daily walks and his meals and his snacks and his little rituals like playing in the backyard with Hobgoblin whenever he takes out the garbage give a structure to our days and weeks. How did we ever get by before we got Muttboy? I have no idea. Life must have been very boring.

O: Outdoors. I have not always been an outdoorsy person either; when I was a kid I liked to hike but didn’t do it that often, and generally I preferred to be indoors reading than outdoors playing in the yard or sunbathing or whatever. This hasn’t changed too terribly much. But upon getting older and having a car and a bit more money at my disposal, I started hiking more and took up backpacking, and, of course, began to ride. Now I try to find a balance; I’m still inclined to linger indoors, but I’ve discovered the magic of the world outdoors too.

R: Reading. What is there to say about this one? I don’t really need a justification for my choice of this word, or a description of how I love it. You already know about that.

O: Online. 10, 15 years ago I would have been shocked to learn that I would end up spending so much time online. If you go back far enough, of course, I wouldn’t know what that meant, spending time online, but even as recently as a couple years ago, I had no idea it would become so important to me. But it has — and for the most part, it’s been a very good thing.

T: Trail. I’m rather obsessed with trails, and especially the Appalachian Trail. I haven’t been on it in quite a few months, and I’m eager to go. There’s something magical about a trail that goes on for hundreds and thousands of miles, a trail you can follow for months and not get to the end of, a trail you can live on and that can sustain a whole community of hikers. I fell in love with the Appalachian Trail when I read an article about it in Reader’s Digest as a kid, and my feelings toward it have never changed. Next summer, I’m going backpacking, if it kills me!

H: Hobgoblin. I have no idea what life without Hobgoblin would be like; I can’t even begin to imagine such a thing. We’ve been married over 9 years now and have known each other for 11 years, exactly 1/3 of my life. That’s a pretty big chunk, isn’t it?!

Y: Yankee. Growing up in western New York state, I didn’t think of myself as a Yankee, tending to think that you had to be from New England to qualify, although I did have an interesting conversation when I was much younger with the family of a friend from the south; one family member asked me where I’m from and upon hearing the answer said, “Oh, you’re a Yankee! I’ve known a few good Yankees ….” Now that I live in Connecticut, I most definitely qualify.

W: Woods. I like my civilization, yes, I do, but I like a little wilderness as well. Don’t coop me up too much, or I’ll be longing for escape. Retreating to my book-lined study is a wonderful solace, but I need time out in the woods, time away from buildings and cars and all the fake plasticky things we surround ourselves with.

I’m not going to tag anybody for this meme, but if you’d like to do it, please do!

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Totally pointless post

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you’re reading this and you start to get annoyed because you’re discovering that I’ve got absolutely nothing to say, don’t get mad at me about it. You probably shouldn’t be spending your time reading this anyway.

It’s only the second day of NaBloPoMo and I’m faltering! It’s not that I don’t have things to write about. I do, as a matter of fact — I want to write about Rosamund Lehmann’s A Note in Music now that I’ve finished it and I also want to write about Seneca. But I’m still sick, all coughing and sniffly and woozy, and I’m not sure I can think straight to write about something serious. And I just got terribly annoyed because I read through some student essay revisions and found that they hadn’t revised at all. After ten years or so of teaching writing, why this would surprise me, I don’t know, but I am still always surprised when it happens. I mean, why would anyone think it’s a good idea to hand in an essay revision that is almost exactly the same as the first draft? Don’t they realize I will get frustrated at them, which is, surely, the last thing they want? So I’m more in the mood to vent than to write something thoughtful and smart.

I have discovered over the years that the best approach for me to take in the classroom is to be all happiness and cheer all the time. Somehow I’ve never figured out how to make any other teaching persona work for me. If I let myself show frustration or annoyance, things go downhill fast. Given that I am by no means a cheerful person generally, staying so cheerful might sound hard, but since I see students only for three hours a week, I usually do okay. But what it means is that I have a powerful need to vent when the students aren’t around! Not that teaching is so hard or unpleasant, or that my students are so terrible, let me clarify. Most of the time they are a pleasure to teach. It’s just that … well, I’m a perfectionist and was a perfectly obedient, perfectly diligent student myself, and I (still) don’t understand why students aren’t more like I was. I have to remind myself that, yes, occasionally, even I skipped the reading now and then or asked for an extension or took the easy way out in an assignment. I think this is one of the hardest things to learn about teaching — so often (although not always) those who end up teaching were the model students of their day, and they have to learn that not all students are perfectly-organized perfectionists like they were. (But why not? why not?? Don’t they see how much easier things would be if they were?)

So, this has turned into a post about teaching, which is something I rarely write about. But at this point in the semester with all the grading I’m doing, it’s hard to think about much else. I do have the pleasure of choosing a new novel now; perhaps that will cheer me up after that disastrous grading session …

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Weekend Reading

And now I’m sick! Wonderful, isn’t it? I’ve got a cold that is not quite bad enough to keep me home from school, but just bad enough to make me unhappy about it. It was a beautiful fall afternoon with perfect weather for a bike ride, but I spent the time curled up in bed sleeping. Oh, well, I’m very grateful to have had a chance to take a nap.

The books I took with me on my Albuquerque trip turned out to be different from the ones I listed here. I did take along Sophia Lee’s The Recess, but I didn’t end up opening it; instead I spent my airport time switching among Dale Spender’s Mothers of the Novel and two new books — Rosamund Lehmann’s A Note in Music and Phyllis Rose’s The Year of Reading Proust: A Memoir in Real Time.

The Lehmann novel has turned me into a fan — score another one for Virago Modern Classics! I am nearly finished and so I’ll wait to say much about it until later, but for now — what a great book. I feel as though in the last couple years I have discovered so many women writers who are new to me — writers including Elizabeth Taylor, Anita Brookner, Alison Lurie, Barbara Pym, Georgette Heyer, and now Rosamund Lehmann. All of these women write similar types of novels, although there are great differences among them as well, of course; they tend to be quiet, character-driven novels about the emotional landscapes of women’s lives. I love this stuff. Lehmann’s novel is about two married couples — focusing mostly on the women (and one of them in particular), although occasionally veering into the consciousnesses of the men — who find their lives disrupted by the visit of a young man and his sister. The book described visits and conversations and outings, but mostly it describes what the characters think and feel; it has Proustian passages on memory and time and Woolf-like analyses of gender dynamics and moments of consciousness.

The other book, Phyllis Rose’s book on Proust, I’m still figuring out. It’s a mix of her thoughts on Proust and her thoughts on her own life; sometimes these two things are clearly connected, and sometimes the connection is more tenuous. I do like meditations on art and life, and I do like essayistic, rambling, all-over-the-place nonfiction books and memoirs, but I’m not entirely sure this one is making sense to me. I need to give it a bit more time. Maybe the problem is that one of her first chapters describes her love of television, a subject I cannot relate to and one only very loosely connected to Proust. And then the next chapter is about collecting ancient artifacts, and although she connects this topic more closely to Proust, it’s another area that doesn’t mean much to me. This may be a matter of a personality clash; perhaps Rose and I just don’t hit it off. But we’ll see.

P.S.  I forgot to describe one of the best parts of the conference, which was the closing poetry reading.  About a dozen of us gathered to read favorite poems from the 18C.  I didn’t come with any prepared, but ended up reading Anne Finch’s “A Nocturnal Reverie,” which is a beautiful poem, and another woman gave a very dramatic, funny reading of Aphra Behn’s “The Disappointment,” which I strongly encourage you to read — you won’t regret it!

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The Conference

Well, can I just say that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed? I had a nice weekend, but upon returning home last night, I felt that I needed a weekend to recover from my weekend. But I did not get one. No, I had to face one of the busiest days of my semester so far. So I’m tired and a bit disgruntled.

I must say that although I enjoyed myself on Saturday once I got involved in the conference itself, traveling on Friday was kind of miserable. I used to love air travel; I loved people watching in airports, and I loved all the time to read on the plane. Now I just dread it all. I didn’t want to leave home, and I felt the whole trip was stupid — a stupid conference, a stupid paper, and a stupid idea to travel during a busy part of the semester.

But I perked up once I got there. I didn’t see much of Albuquerque, since most of my time was taken up with conference things, but I did get a chance to walk through the old town section of the city, 10 or 12 blocks of restaurants, cute shops, and historical locations. That was on Friday evening.

Saturday I spent the whole day at the University of New Mexico campus, listening to papers and giving my own. The conference was on eighteenth-century women writers, and the best part about it was hearing about books and authors I’m now newly inspired to read. There were a lot of papers on Aphra Behn and Eliza Haywood, both of whom I’d like to read more of, particularly Haywood’s novel The History of Miss Betsy Thoughtless, a book that is a predecessor of Burney’s and Austen’s novels. I also heard a paper on Sarah Fielding’s novel The History of Ophelia that made me want to get a copy ASAP. Both of those books are published by Broadview Press, a wonderful publishing company that puts out editions of lesser-known works; just check out their 18C selection to see how great they are.  I came away from the conference with the feeling that there is so much good reading to be had from the 18C; compared to the average reader, I’ve read a lot in the area, I suppose, but there is so much more!  And I’m still working my way through Dale Spender’s book, which has greatly increased my list of novels I’d like to read from the time period.

My panel went well. People laughed as I read my paper; I find this interesting because I never would have guessed that my paper was funny in any way at all. It wasn’t my writing that was funny, really, but rather the quotations from the novel I was discussing (Sarah Fielding’s The Adventures of David Simple). It’s fascinating the way that having an audience can bring out aspects of a paper I had no idea were there. I didn’t really get any questions about my paper (a part of the whole process that’s quite scary, as you have no idea what you’ll be hit with), but my panel (there were three of us) and the audience had a good discussion afterward, and I got some nice comments.

It was a small conference and very friendly — unlike some conferences where people are snooty and mean and only want to talk with the important people and take every opportunity to show off. So I hung out with some other conference-goers on Saturday night and we had a good dinner and a couple bottles of wine and I didn’t get enough sleep that night.

And now I’m here, back home trying to recover. Maybe I’ll have a chance to rest next weekend??

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Gone for the weekend

Have a wonderful weekend everyone; I’m heading to Albuquerque tomorrow bright and early, and I’ll be back Monday or Tuesday.  I’ll give you a full report then!

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Books for traveling

Well, I haven’t done a pooterish, list-y, rambling kind of post in a while, and since I’m feeling fatigued after getting practically no sleep last night and don’t want to think too hard, this evening seems like a good time for one. I’d like to post on Seneca again, and also on Dale Spender, but those posts will have to wait. I suffer insomnia only occasionally, but when I do, it really knocks me down hard. I desperately need my sleep! And hours and hours and hours of it!

So, I’m going away this weekend. I’ll be heading to Albuquerque to attend a conference. This should be fun, right? It’s a literary conference, and I’ll be presenting a paper of my own and listening to other people read theirs; we’ll all be talking about books and learning new things and generally having fun.

Except I hate conferences. I can’t tell you how much I’d prefer to stay home. I don’t like presenting papers of my own — the whole process makes me nervous. I don’t like listening to other people’s papers because I don’t listen well, being an extremely visual person. And I don’t like the feeling that I should be mingling, meeting people, making connections, and generally impressing people with my brilliance, instead of skulking about in my hotel room watching television, which is what I generally do.

So I’ll cheer myself up by thinking about what books I might possibly bring with me. I should be ready to begin a new novel or two, and maybe a new nonfiction book. So what sounds good?

  • I just mooched Margaret Forster’s novel Lady’s Maid, which Litlove recently wrote about; it’s about Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s maid Elizabeth Wilson and their vexed relationship. It’s long and looks fun — perfect for airports, maybe?
  • I’ve been in the mood for another long 18C or 19C novel, especially after reading about so many interesting authors from Dale Spender’s book, so perhaps Sophia Lee’s The Recess, subtitled “A Tale of Other Times”? Here’s what Amazon says: “First published in an era when most novels about young women concentrated on courtship and ended with marriage, The Recess (1783-1785) daringly portrays women involved in political intrigues, overseas journeys, and even warfare. The novel is set during the reign of Elizabeth I and features twin narrators, who are daughters of Mary, Queen of Scots, by a secret marriage. One of the earliest novels to convey the plot from multiple points of view, it was wildly popular in its day.” Sounds good, doesn’t it?
  • But I need to make sure I have some comfort reading with me; I might need to be cheered up if my paper presentation doesn’t go well. I’ve got an Alison Lurie novel on my shelves, The Last Resort; she’s always good for a smart, entertaining read.
  • And for nonfiction? I have a couple short things that would work, books I could possibly finish during the long plane ride, such as Gabriel Zaid’s So Many Books or Elizabeth Hardwick’s collection of essays Seduction and Betrayal. Long nonfiction books probably wouldn’t work, as I might tire of them, but these would be perfect.
  • Oh, and I have to bring the book I’m presenting on, of course, just in case I want to remind myself of some of the details; it’s this one, Sarah Fielding’s The Adventures of David Simple.

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Friday ramblings

This is going to be a rambling, pointless post because I’m feeling rather like Danielle is today, without the headache (although that may be on the way). I spent all afternoon in an intense meeting on testing procedures to place students into the proper English class, which was, as you can imagine, not so incredibly thrilling. I like my job, except for all the meetings. (Isn’t that true for tons of people? How many of you agree with me?)

I do, however, have the pleasure of picking up Penelope Lively’s novel Moon Tiger this evening. I began it last night and after only a few pages I could tell it’s something I will like. It’s got an older narrator, a woman in a hospital with cancer, who is looking back at her life. She’s an historian, and so she’s thinking about her life as history and about history itself; it sort of flows through her head and out onto the page in a random, rambling way. But themes are emerging, especially having to do with archeological metaphors and rock strata — the idea of digging through the layers of history, one’s own history and world history.

I’m determined to finish Waverley this weekend; one good push should do it, as I have fewer than 50 pages left. Believe it or not, I’m not entirely opposed to reading another Scott novel at some point in my life. I guess you could call me hopelessly optimistic, but I just might like Ivanhoe or some of the other ones. I’d kind of like to find out.

I’m working my way slowly through Dale Spender’s Mothers of the Novel and am finding it fascinating; look for a post on Aphra Behn and/or Delariviere Manly and/or Eliza Haywood sometime soon. These are the “fair triumvirate of wits,” three writers often mocked by other, mostly male, writers of the day for their hugely popular, often scandalous writing. They all seem to be very prolific, energetic, courageous writers determined to make their living from writing in a time when it was very hard for a woman to do so.

Okay, off to the books!

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Century!

I rode 100 miles today — woo hoo! There’s a century route that leaves from my town with arrows pointing the way painted on the roads, so I followed it, for the most part. There’s a northern loop of 80 miles that I did first and that returns me to my town, and I figured that if I felt up to it once I returned home, I could head out again for the remaining 20 miles, a loop that heads south over roads I’m very familiar with. I’m rather proud of myself for heading out again after having ridden 80 miles — it’s not so easy when the comforts of food and a hot shower beckon.

I had a bit of a hard time on the first 40 miles, as it was quite windy, and I was heading straight into it. There’s little that’s worse on a bike than riding straight into the wind, especially for a distance as long as 40 miles. Things turned around completely, however, the minute I hit the halfway point of the northern 80 miles and started to ride with the wind at my back. My pace picked up considerably and so did my mood. I’d rather have it this way — a rough section early on and then ease after that.

It was on September 1st that I decided I’d try to do a century this fall. I was aiming for late October or early November — I had no idea at the time that by the end of the month I’d be able to complete one. I guess what this means is that my health is fully back to normal, and I can’t use it as an excuse to wimp out on anything I don’t want to do. This is the first time I’ve done a century all on my own, without the support you get from an organized century, and I like doing it this way — no driving to the start point, no crowds, no people passing me, just me and the road and a couple markets along the way. (Although organized centuries have their benefits too, not least of which is people to draft on.  I’ll be doing one of these in two weeks.)

Here are my stats, for the curious:

  • Distance: 101.2
  • Time ridden: 6:29:27
  • Total time, including breaks: approximately 7:00
  • Average heart rate: 147
  • Maximum heart rate: 170
  • Calories burned: 3,355
  • Average speed: 15.6
  • Maximum speed: 36.5

You’ll see from the numbers that I didn’t rest for terribly long; if I remember correctly, I stopped 7 times (not counting traffic lights), and each time was quite short. I stopped twice at a market to resupply with food and water, three times to eat bites of Cliff bars (eating a whole one at once would be too much), once to find a water bottle I accidentally dropped, and once at home. I hate stopping for long because then my muscles get cold and it’s very hard to warm them up again. So I’ll stop, wolf down some food, and start pedaling again while I’m still chewing. Seven hours is plenty long to spend on a bike ride anyway, no need to make it longer.

And all those calories I burned? I’ve replaced them already. Emily, Hobgoblin (who did his own long ride today), and I just got back from dinner at an Italian restaurant, where I stuffed myself with pasta. I had a lovely time hanging out with Emily, and now I’m very sad because she’s moving this week and will no longer live up the road from me. I’ll miss you Emily!

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Ordination; on church attendance

I just returned from the ordination service for fellow-blogger Emily’s husband Bob; it was a lovely service — I’d never attended an ordination service before and didn’t know quite what to expect, but in the Presbyterian Church, at least, it includes many of the usual elements of a church service plus the presentation of the ordination candidate and series of questions for him about whether he’ll uphold the beliefs of the church. It ended with a “charge” to the candidate, which Emily gave herself. I think the idea is that someone close to the candidate gives some personal advice and encouragement, and Emily did a wonderful job, giving a moving speech complete with a funny story about Bob’s childhood and a reference to Dostoevsky.

I’m not a church-goer these days, but I have a long history of church-going, and attending church nowadays, on those rare occasions I do, is a fraught experience. I’ll resist it the whole way there, complaining about the prospect of having to listen to a sermon and having to hear about a God I don’t believe in. But once the service has begun, I find myself tearing up. I find moments like the passing of the peace moving, and in this ordination ceremony I was touched by the “laying on of hands” part, where Bob knelt and priests and elders stood around with hands on his shoulders, praying for him. There’s something wonderful about the physical touch, an embodiment of the human and spiritual connection among members of the congregation.

I don’t miss being a believer, and I’m fairly certain I’ll never be one again, but I do miss the communal part of church-going; my parents are part of a church that drives me crazy in lots of ways, but I’m also aware that my parents have a solid group of friends who are committed to sharing in their life and taking care of them if they need it. For me, this is what church is (or should be) all about, really — people working together to take care of each other and to bring out the best in each other.

I grew up attending a series of conservative Protestant churches of several different denominations (socially conservative, as in no women pastors, for example), and although I attended a liberal Episcopalian church for a while as an adult, I still tend automatically to think of churches as conservative entities, so I’m pleased when I find out otherwise. The church I attended today has a woman minister, which always makes me happy, and the Prayer of Confession we all said had this interesting opening:

O Lord our God, as we come before you now, believers and doubters alike …

which made me feel right at home, the doubter that I am. It also had this sentence:

Forgive us all our wrongs and help us to understand that the profit and pleasure we pursue lays waste to the land and pollutes the seas.

Growing up I would not have encountered such a sentiment in church, partly because the environmental movement wasn’t so widespread but also because the churches I attended thought of “sin” as a purely personal matter, not something that had anything to do with the earth.

I won’t be attending church regularly, I’m quite sure (church would interfere with bike racing, for one thing — can I say I attend the Church of the Bicycle?), but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to be a little less resistant to the experience, since once I’m there, I often find something meaningful in it.

Oh, and I got to meet two of Emily’s siblings, Lindsay and Ian, and Emily’s parents; they are a wonderful family, let me tell you. Aren’t you all jealous of me?

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Kind of a miserable day

Today was one of those days when nothing goes right. First of all, this morning as I made some tiny-but-apparently-very-significant movement with my shoulders, my upper back muscles seized up, and now I can’t move my head very well. I’ve had a history of upper-back problems, so this is nothing new, but still, it’s painful. And the worst thing about it is that I can’t read all that comfortably. I feel best when I’m moving about; when I sit still to read, I can feel my shoulders tensing up. I’d be happy right now only if I could spend the next day or two completely unconscious so that when I wake up, the pain will be gone.

Then I had a work welcome back barbeque to go to, which is a sad thing in and of itself, as it signals the end of my summer, which hasn’t been all that wonderful, truth be told, but still was better than the school year will be. But the barbeque would have been fine, if I hadn’t gone into my office beforehand and found myself utterly bewildered because I didn’t recognize anything in there. My things were gone and somebody else’s things had replaced them. Maybe I was fired and didn’t know it! Actually, I had requested an office change earlier in the summer, but I hadn’t heard anything, and so had assumed I’d been ignored. But no — whoever is in charge of such things wasn’t ignoring me; these people had fulfilled my request but had failed to tell me they were going to do it.

So I found out from my department chair where my new office is, and I ran around to at least three different offices to get my new key. This involved walking to various far-flung corners of campus and left me sweating — a symptom of my thyroid disease is intolerance of heat, and times like this are when I feel it most. Everyone around me will be fine, and I’ll be standing there hoping the sweat isn’t soaking through my shirt. I went back to my new office and looked inside, only to find that my things weren’t there; somebody else’s things were there instead.

So, back to my department chair, who helped me hunt down the dean in charge of such things; the dean had a long conversation with this other guy about how he was certain they hadn’t moved my things and he had no idea where they were. I had to keep insisting my things weren’t there — nobody knew where my books and papers were! I did not like having to listen to a dean and other Important People blunder about wondering where my books and papers were.

Finally, they discovered they’d taken them to the wrong office, and they fixed it and got me moved in to my new place. Things calmed down from there; I hung out at the barbeque and complained about my office, and people just laughed and said “welcome to our school!” Great.

To top off this day, I had to cancel my walk with Emily because of my back — and she’s moving soon, too, so it’s not like we can take a walk any old day.

But I do have one piece of good news: Muttboy’s tumor is benign, so he is now completely healthy. This makes up for a lot.

Now I have to figure out how I can spend my evening comfortably reading. Maybe I should walk around the house with a book in my hands, so I can read and move around at the same time??

Next post: The Crimson Petal and the White.

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A few random things

I have a few short things to write about this Friday evening. The first is this article about Percy Shelley from The New Yorker; it’s about a new book called Being Shelley by Ann Wroe. According to the article:

Wroe tries to see as Shelley saw—to inhabit his consciousness and capture its every movement. This is, as she frankly says, ‘an experiment,’ and any reader who opens the book expecting a conventional biography is in for a surprise.

I do love unconventional biographies! And I’ve enjoyed reading Keats and now De Quincey so much that I’m considering reading more of the Romantics and could turn to Shelley at some point. I remember having to read Prometheus Unbound in college, though, and being a bit bewildered by it — I liked it, it was just something … strange. He’s a writer who intimidates me a bit. Perhaps I’ll turn to Coleridge first.

Then I was pleased to see this list of “The 86 Greatest Travel Books of All Time” (link via The Literary Saloon), but saddened to note that I’ve read only 4 of them — Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Rory Stewart’s The Places in Between, W.G. Sebald’s The Rings of Saturn, and Tobias Smollett’s Travels Through France and Italy. Clearly I need to read more travel writing, as I do enjoy the genre. Perhaps I’ll read some Bruce Chatwin next; I’ve been meaning to for ages.

Then I thought insomniacs or people whose thoughts trouble them at night might like this Keats poem, which I thought beautiful, particularly the last six lines:

Sonnet to Sleep

O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting with careful fingers and benign
Our gloom-pleased eyes, embower’d from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close,
In midst of this thine hymn, my willing eyes,
Or wait the Amen ere thy poppy throws
Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes;
Save me from curious conscience, that still hoards
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like the mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed casket of my soul.

Finally, a health update. Muttboy is healing very well, and has his full appetite and energy back. He has to wear a t-shirt much of the time, though, to keep him from scratching or licking his belly where the stitches are, so he looks undignified and undog-like. Poor thing.

I am healing quite well also; when I saw the endocrinologist yesterday and mentioned that I have been riding some, in spite of her orders not to, she said “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that” and then told me to take it easy, which I’m taking as permission to ride as much as I’d like. Yay! When I talked to my mother about this, telling her about the early riding, she said she would have done the same thing. You see why I am the way I am??

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Muttboy

If you follow Hobgoblin’s blog, you’ll know that our dog Muttboy had surgery today to have a tumor removed from the skin of his chest. Well, he’s still at the vet’s office, but we’ve learned that he came through it very well, and will be coming home in about 1 1/2 hours. Yay!

They did chest x-rays to see if the tumor had spread, which it hadn’t. We still don’t know exactly what type of tumor it is, but so far, everything looks fine.

Today was spent waiting — waiting to take Muttboy to the vet’s, waiting until we could call for news, waiting until we could call for further news, and now waiting to go pick him up. But all that’s okay as long as he’s fine.

By the way, I have a question: did we skip the rest of August and September and move straight to October? I ask because today the temperature hasn’t gotten above 58 and it’s been raining all day. I’m just wondering if I missed something.

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Health and cycling update

I’m going to try to write this post really fast, before my eyes close and my forehead hits the keyboard — I’m on Benadryl, you see, and I’m very sleepy.  My recovery has hit a little snag; less than 5% of patients taking the medication I’m taking develop a rash, and it appears that I’m one of the lucky ones.  It’s not a bad rash, though — just a few red bumps and no itchiness.  But my doctor took me off the medication, and once my rash heals, we’ll try another kind.

But most of my news is good: I have been feeling much better lately, so much better that I’ve been riding regularly, say 4 or 5 times a week.  I don’t ride hard — I ride just how I feel like riding, so I’m not training, really, but I am keeping myself in decent shape for when I am ready to train again.  It’s been interesting to watch my average heart rate decrease over the course of the last few weeks, and my average speed increase (not that it’s all that fast though).  I’m not back to my normal numbers, but I’m getting closer.

It’s fun to let my body decide how hard it will work; when I first got on the bike, it didn’t want to work hard at all, but as I’ve gotten better, I find myself pushing more.  It’s odd, really, the way my body can take over and guide my ride, deciding how I’ll work or not work, and I really don’t feel it’s a conscious decision at all.

Okay, nap time …

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New books

Thanks to all for your kind comments from yesterday; Hobgoblin and I had a nice day, although, as it turns out, we didn’t spend it in Manhattan. Shortly after I posted here, I learned that a huge storm had hit the city, leaving flooded roads and shut down subways. We decided not to head there — we may have been fine, but maybe not, and we didn’t want to risk it. So, we went to New Haven instead. It’s not as exciting as Manhattan, but it’s still a nice place to spend some time, and, as hoped for, we ate some good food, went to a history museum, and bought some books. So, as promised, here’s what I got, from Book Trader, a used bookstore:

  • Jane Stevenson’s The Winter Queen. Historical fiction fans will be proud of me; this is the first novel in a trilogy which is set, in part, in 17C Holland. I heard about it on a listserv I’m on and thought I’d give it a try. Has anybody else read it?
  • John McGahern’s Amongst Women. I’d heard about McGahern from Kimbofo, and now I finally have something of his.
  • Geraldine Brooks’s March. I’d been trying to get this on Book Mooch again and again; it kept appearing, but somebody always snagged it first. So finally I bought it. I liked Brooks’s Year of Wonders so much I thought I’d try another one.
  • Harriet Martineau’s novel Deerbrook. I’d heard of Martineau before, although I’d never read her and didn’t know she wrote fiction; this is her only novel. It’s published by Penguin, I just found out, but the edition I bought is a Virago. I picked it up because I like Virago books, and it sounded intriguing.

That’s all I got yesterday (although there was plenty more that was interesting), but I’ll also list some books I’ve recently mooched:

  • Robyn Davidson’s Tracks. This is the story of how Davidson walked 1,700 miles across Australia. Amazing, right? Danielle recommended this one to me.
  • Alison Lurie, The Last Resort. I’ve decided it’s a good idea to have an unread Lurie novel lying around, just in case I get in the mood. This will be my third when I get to it.
  • Ursula Le Guin’s The Left Hand of Darkness, to add some science fiction to the mix!

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Celebration!

Today Hobgoblin and I celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary.  (Yes, we’ve been married quite a long time!)  We’re going to spend the day in Manhattan, eating, checking out bookstores, maybe seeing a movie.

I’ll be back tomorrow, and I’ll certainly let you know if I come home with some books …

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Final Diagnosis

One more health update, and then maybe I can stop writing about it for a while. I found out today that I have Graves’ disease, an auto-immune disorder that affects the thyroid. My endocrinologist thought this is what I’d turn out to have, once she heard that I have rheumatoid arthritis in my family, another auto-immune disorder. I’m not sure how it works, but I guess having one auto-immune disorder in my family makes me susceptible to catching others. I also suspect I’ve had this disease for a while, just in a really mild form that I didn’t notice. I’ve had some of the symptoms, such as nervousness, heart palpitations, sweating, and a huge appetite for a long time. Irritability is another of my symptoms, but that may just be my personality. In fact, it’s hard to tell if these were symptoms of a disease, or just the way I am.

So now I’ll be taking methimazole to get my thyroid under control, and it should make me feel better pretty soon.

I had all kinds of fun yesterday when the guy who would be doing my thyroid scan called me to say the equipment he’d be using was broken and he might not be able to do the scan. If he couldn’t do the scan, I would have to wait another month to have it done because the pill they gave me (I think it’s an iodine pill and then they scan how much iodine my thyroid absorbed) would have to work its way out of my system until I could take another one. I kind of freaked out on him when he said that. And then he managed to get the equipment in an hour or so, just in time; he said he had to order a part from out of state. I don’t know how he did it so fast, but I sure am grateful.

Okay, I’m on my way to getting better!

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Updates

I have just a quick post today to say that I enjoyed Nancy Mitford’s The Pursuit of Love very much, and now have to decide if I want to read Love in a Cold Climate, in the same volume, or move on to something else.  (And if I move on to something else, what will it be???  I’m not sure ….)  The novel is light, breezy, and amusing.  It’s about the Radlett’s, a large country family, and their exploits as the children grow up and make their way through the world.  The narrator is a Radlett cousin whose mother has abandoned her, and so she stays with her relatives; she focuses her story on her cousin Linda, a high-spirited, romantic character, and her attempts to find true love.  Although the novel ends during World War II, it never loses its brightness; the family gathers in the country once again and spiritedly takes up the challenge of dealing with rations and the possibility of invasion.

And for a health update: I don’t know yet exactly what is wrong with me — I should find that out in a couple days — but I do know I won’t be riding for a couple months.  The endocrinologist said — depending on what I actually have — that I’ll probably need a month or two of medication to get back to normal again, although I should begin to improve right away.  So, it’s time to take up yoga more seriously perhaps.  And once I feel a bit better I can probably handle strolls in the woods.  But no strenuous exercise for a while, alas.

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Reading and illness

I’m going to write more about being sick, for which I’ll apologize right now — I don’t like dwelling on this, really, except that it’s hard to dwell on anything else. It’s not a plea for sympathy, at any rate; it’s just me thinking about how being sick affects me, and specifically how it affects my reading. Most of my life I’ve been extraordinarily healthy, so being sick for longer than a couple days is new to me.

At first I was excited about the possibility of having lots of time to read — disappointed that I couldn’t ride, of course, but glad to have reading to fill up the extra time. But now I’m seeing that I don’t really want all that extra time for reading, that the time I had for reading before was a pretty good amount, and that now that I have more time I’m not really interested in using it. I find myself wasting time — I’m not even sure how. I stare at the wall, spend more time surfing the web, that sort of thing. I’ve speculated before that there might be a limit to the amount of time I can happily read, and this illness has confirmed it. I really do need something like riding to give me a break from reading — the physical exertion makes me happy to come home and be still for a while, and being still for a while makes me ready to go out and work hard. I need a balance.

This is a reminder of how much a calm and happy mind depends on having a comfortable, healthy body. Sometimes when I try to read I find myself getting restless, and I wonder if it’s because of my hyperthyroidism, one of the side effects of which is nervousness and restlessness. Last night at times I felt my stomach knotting up, and I couldn’t sit still in one position for more than a few minutes. I’ve sometimes felt this way before getting sick (and have felt other symptoms of hyperthyroidism too), and I wonder if I’ve had a mild form of this condition for a while and didn’t know it. If I didn’t understand what was wrong, I might think my inability to sit still for long periods was simply a personality trait of mine. It’s interesting — and relieving, in a way — to know that it’s because of an illness.

I’m curious to see if the medication I will soon be on will make me feel just the same as I used to feel, in the time immediately before this illness, or if there will be changes.  If I’ve been suffering a mild form of this disorder for a while, perhaps the new, medicated me will be different.

This past week I’ve experienced something I haven’t experienced before: I sat so long in my reading chair that my butt started to hurt. Surely that’s a sign I need to be up and about more! I go to visit the endocrinologist this Tuesday, and will be on the way to feeling better. And then I’ll stop writing about my health, I promise.

I finished Sigrid Nunez’s The Last of Her Kind recently and want to write about it, and I also want to write at some point about the experience of reading David Markson’s novel Wittgenstein’s Mistress, something very different from the last few things I’ve read, to say the least.

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