Utterly random notes on some things I’m not sure about

I’m not sure what it says about the job I’m leaving that some of my busiest days ever are those spent getting ready to quit. It’s been an easy job, sometimes boringly and unsatisfyingly easy. At times, that’s a good thing, as I’ve had plenty of time for my non-work interests. But ultimately I can’t stay in it. I need to do something that feels more meaningful. That said, I’m extremely grateful that people at my old job are letting me take a leave of absence, so I can return to it if the risky new job doesn’t work out. So all that worry about whether to take the new opportunity? I needn’t have worried. If the new thing doesn’t work out, I’m back at the old, familiar, easy thing. No problems. I realize I’m lucky.

I’m also not sure what to think about the Booker prize long list, so maybe I won’t think anything about it at all. I feel ambivalently about prizes, because on the one hand they are handy ways to pick out a new book to read — hey, why not read last year’s Booker prize winner? A bunch of people thought it was good, after all — and on the other hand, I know that prizes often have little to do with actual literary quality and the whole notion of “actual literary quality” is nebulous if not meaningless. I’m attracted to prize winners because how can I help it after all? The names are everywhere. And yet I don’t feel good about being impressed by them.

I’m not sure about the time trial I’m riding in this evening — I said I would do it because there’s a party afterwards and I don’t want to just show up at the party without having ridden in the race, and would like to go to the party — so I’m racing again when I’d thought I wouldn’t until next spring. It’s just a time trial, me against the clock, but riders leave in 30-second intervals which leaves plenty of time for people to catch up with me and pass me, which isn’t much fun. That’s exactly what I wanted to avoid when I decided to stop racing for a while.

I’m not sure what nonfiction book I want to read next: I picked up Martha Nussbaum’s book Love’s Knowledge which sounds great, but I’m worried about picking up a difficult read when I’ve got a busy few weeks ahead of me. I’m leaning toward the biography of Colette I’ve got as something a little easier, but still very, very interesting.

I am sure there are other things I’m not sure about, but I have to run off to a meeting about the fact that I’m leaving my job …

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