Monthly Archives: May 2006

How I misbehaved at graduation but learned something anyway

Today was graduation at my school, and I kind of had to attend even though I don’t really know anyone who is graduating. It’s one of those things I have to do for political reasons — to be seen is the point. And I knew it would be long, so I brought along some sudoku puzzles to keep me from going insane with boredom. I would have brought a book, but the puzzles I could hide away faster if I thought I needed to. A few other people were nodding off or grading papers, but most were paying attention, or looking like they were. So I sat there and did my puzzles and looked up now and then to pretend I was aware of what was going on.

I did tune into the graduation speech long enough to hear something cool, though. The speaker mentioned a Jewish teaching (he said it was from Maimonides, but I can’t seem to find anything that confirms it) that “In the world to come a man will have to face judgment for every legitimate pleasure which he denied himself.” I’m so used to thinking of people being responsible for keeping themselves from mistakes or “illegitimate” pleasures or “sin” that to reverse the thought is a bit disorienting. We have some kind of responsibility to seize pleasure when we can? I’m not a believer in any traditional God, so I’m not imagining some other world where I’ll be held accountable for denying myself enjoyment, but I still like the idea that we have some sort of cosmic duty to seize pleasures when we can.

For some reason yesterday I kept thinking about the line from a Flannery O’Connor story: “Shut up, Bobby Lee … It’s no real pleasure in life.” But today things are different.

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Who would you vote for? Or would you vote at all?

The creation of the list from the New York Times of the best American novel of the last 25 years and all the commentary on it is highly annoying, but I can’t keep myself away. If you haven’t read up on it, the methodology of the NYT was to ask a couple hundred writers and critics for a vote on the best American novel; 125 of them responded. The winner, Beloved, got 15 votes. The runners-up got between 7 and 11 votes. So, this means a very small group of people made up the list and a tiny group is responsible for the “winner.”

What I find annoying about all this is the way it’s an exercise in self-gratification and self-importance – the Times is established as a guardian of culture, it asks for votes from the guardians and creators of culture, and the books it chooses are pretty staid, canonical ones. I didn’t see anything that really surprised me. The Elegant Variation notes that no bloggers were asked to participate and wonders if the list would change if they were. Maybe, but it’s highly, highly unlikely the Times would include bloggers even though it should. That’s way too democratic and open-minded.

A.O. Scott wrote an essay on the choices (an essay which strikes me as arrogant in tone, suitably enough) and said that a lot of the people polled didn’t vote because they disagreed with the whole enterprise. What is “best” after all? And who is qualified to pronounce upon it?

I’m also annoyed because the list is so predominantly male. Yes, Toni Morrison’s Beloved won, and Marilynne Robinson’s Housekeeping is included as a book that got multiple votes, but other than that, it’s a lot of the usual suspects: Updike, Roth, Delillo, McCarthy. A passage from the A.O. Scott essay is revealing, I think:

We all have our personal favorites, but I suspect that something other than individual taste underwrites most of the choices here. The best works of fiction, according to our tally, appear to be those that successfully assume a burden of cultural importance. They attempt not just the exploration of particular imaginary people and places, but also the illumination of epochs, communities, of the nation itself. America is not only their setting, but also their subject.


The best books are culturally important, and they have something to say about America. And I think that cultural importance is coded “male.” Something more woman-centered like, say, Barbara Kingsolver, is about women, while Roth’s fiction is about our culture, and about America. Lists like these reflect the state of literary culture, but they shape it too, so the implicit message is that what really matters are the stories about men.

And A.O. Scott says something else interesting too: that if the question were “Who is the greatest novelist of the last 25 years?” instead of “What is the greatest novel?” the answer would have been Philip Roth. Or, if the Nathan Zuckerman books had been treated as one (like Updike’s Rabbit books are), then he would have won. As it is, Roth’s votes got split amongst several of his books. So Morrison’s win is shaped by the nature of the question asked.

So, if you were asked to name the best novel or the best novelist, who would you choose? Or would you not choose at all?

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Some random Friday thoughts

  • It’s pouring rain right now. This is going to wreak havoc on my bicycle riding plans, I’m afraid. I might even, God forbid, have to ride indoors on my trainer (which turns my bike into a stationary bike). I think it’s a crime to ride indoors in May, but I’m training for races here, and the rain ….
  • I’m really liking Cloud Atlas. I’ve been wanting something I can’t put down, and at first I didn’t think this was going to do. I figured out the structure — the interlocking stories — and then I wasn’t that excited about having to begin new stories all the time. This is why I don’t read many collections of short stories — I think it takes a lot of work to orient myself to a new story with new characters, setting, etc. And in that respect, I can be a lazy reader. The first story in Cloud Atlas didn’t grab my attention right away, and I got a bit worried. But when the part about Robert Frobisher began, things turned around. I liked his character quite a bit. And now I’m into the Luisa Rey part, and am feeling like I don’t want to put the book down. So all is good.
  • I’m beginning to get into The Tale of Genji a bit more. I’ve been reading a chapter here and there, and at first each chapter was about a new woman Genji was chasing after. I was having to get to know new characters every chapter. I’m trying to figure out where Murasaki’s perspective as a woman comes in here, if at all. I mean, the narrator has sympathy with the women who suffer because of Genji, but the story is told from his perspective, and the narrator doesn’t condemn what he does, in any way I can pick up on. But lately (I’m 300 pages into a 1,000-page book), there are new plot elements besides Genji pursuing women, and I’m getting drawn in. The story has its own rhythm, and you just have to go with it. There’s something appealing to me about the slow, slow development of a story. I’m guessing this is why I didn’t hate Clarissa. If 1,500 very large pages with tiny print that contain three major plot events sounds like fun to you, Clarissa is your book.
  • After all the discussion about connections between love and reading, I came across this in Cloud Atlas: Frobisher says, “A half-read book is a half-finished love affair.” Indeed.
  • For poetry Friday, I thought I’d leave you with the lyrics to a song I’ve had stuck in my head all week. I don’t listen to much music these days, alas, since I don’t read very well with music in the background, and in the car I’m usually listening to NPR. But a friend sent me a CD recently, which I’ve fallen in love with. Here are the lyrics to “Roll my Blues,” which in the version that’s in my head is sung by Jolie Holland.

    I’ve been knocked out
    Drugged and loaded
    River’s roarin’ on before me
    And I look down at my reflection
    Where its headed, no direction
    River
    Won’t you roll my blues away

    All my life I’ve been alone
    And never have I had a home until you came
    But now love’s gone bad
    Its kind of sad
    But I guess that I’m to blame
    ‘Cause I’m just untamed

    Oh I can see that I have fallen
    From your grace which was my calling
    West wind is blowin’ hard against me
    Flat out road is all that I see
    Highway
    Won’t you roll my blues away

    Oh never have I longed so dearly
    My mind sees you oh so clearly
    Freight train is coming fast and strong
    Steady rollin’ on and on
    Freight train
    Won’t you roll my blues away

    Oh I can see that I have fallen
    From your grace which was my calling
    West wind is blowin’ hard against me
    Flat out road is all that I see
    Highway
    Won’t you roll my blues away

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Aunt B’s readers’ survey

Aunt B’s readers’ survey

Aunt B is asking her readers a few questions, and rather than answer them in the comments, I thought I’d answer them here.

1. What do you hope for? I hope to be a powerfully strong and fast cyclist. I’d like to hike the entire Appalachian Trail before I die, although I’m not stuck on this one. I hope to get a job I genuinely like. I’m not sure what that is though. I hope to always have plenty of time to read and I hope to get some wisdom from that reading. And to get some wisdom from life, period.

2. What makes a “good” person? Someone who can stay open to life and to other people. By “open” I mean someone who genuinely tries to understand other people and where they are coming from. With that kind of openness, can a person be a “bad” person? There’s nothing more depressing for me than seeing people disagree and then refuse to consider what the other person is saying — to be stuck in a rigid opinion.

3. Are you a good person? My answer depends on the day, or even the time of day you ask me. Right now, I’d say yes. I’ve had plenty of moments when I’d say no though. I do think I’m good at trying to understand other people, so according to my above definition, I’m a good person, but that definition is obviously incomplete and biased towards my own strengths. Mostly my feeling is that I’m such a changeable person — we all are so changeable actually — that pinning down if we’re good or not is impossible.

4. The Shill once told me (and it’s funny that Sarcastro should bring up something similar) that some people, when they meet someone, start that person out at zero and that other person has to earn their way into esteem, and other people, when they meet someone, start that person out at 100, and the person has to disappoint them into lower standing. If you had to say, which would you say that you are? To be perfectly honest, although this isn’t pretty, I’d have to say that I make a snap judgment of someone based on their appearance and way of dressing and whatever other clues I’ve got about them, and then I decide where they start, say between 20 and 80 based on what I know about them and then I revise as necessary. I just don’t see how we can start everyone at zero or at 100, since we’re bound to have some preconceptions that shape our reactions to them immediately. I guess the important thing is to be willing to make some major revisions to our initial estimation (it’s that openness thing again). The more I think about it, though, the more I think I’m a beginning at 100 person. Or maybe 80. I’m pretty likely to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I really don’t like being suspicious of people all the time. This means, I’m afraid, that I can be a dupe.

5. Do you hold yourself to that same standard? Hmmm. Again, this varies according to the day and mood. Sometimes I’m willing to start myself at 100 and work my way down if necessary. Others, the opposite, or somewhere in the middle. These days I think I’m more likely to be generous to myself. I criticize myself for plenty of things all the time, but I think I have a deep down loyalty to myself (sometimes very deep down) that keeps me sane.

6. Whatever your religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) was there one defining moment when you said, “Holy shit. This is how the universe works. This is why I believe what I believe.”? Or do you do whatever religious things you do out of habit or to appease loved ones? I don’t have a moment, but I have a year: the year I began graduate school, right after graduating from college. That was the year I “lost my faith,” although looking back it was clear what was coming. Lots of things in college prepared me for it. I finally recognized all those things that troubled my about my childhood Christianity, fully looked them in the face, and said to myself, it’s a choice between being true to my feelings here or being true to what my parents and the church have taught me. I chose my feelings. I’ve kept a vague sort of spirituality ever since but haven’t returned to regular religious practice. My mother asked for a while if I was attending church, but she’s stopped asking in the last few years. I think she’d prefer not to know. So I don’t do any religious things to appease others, but it’s easy for me because I live pretty far from my family — the only people who would be concerned at my apostasy. And they don’t pry.

7. Define “art.” This is the sort of question I might ask my students to write about, and then realize that if I had to write about it, I’d have no idea what to say. If I were a better person, I’d do all those assignments I ask my students to do myself. Anyway, ultimately, I think there is no real definition of art. Any definition is going to be flawed and incomplete. My students would say something about art being personal expression, and that’s what I think of first, and to a certain degree it’s true, but it’s so bourgeois! That definition privileges the artist, the “one who expresses” above all else. I want to mention beauty too, but some people set out to create art that is ugly or somehow aesthetically neutral. I guess art is something human-made, where the artist pays attention to how the thing is made.

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The things one learns from reading

I finished Beyond Black yesterday, and – while I know there are people getting ready to read this book and I will definitely say parts of it are worth while and some people, a lot of people, really liked it – I thought the ending was a mess. Without giving any details away, I’d like to say that Colette’s decision at the end of the book sucks. And I thought Mantel started spelling out her “point” in a way that was borderline preachy.

Okay. I will be reading David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas next.

Stefanie wrote yesterday about the way one’s relationship with books can be like a love affair; it reminded me of a passage in my book about the history of the novel, where I came across a quotation from Delariviere Manley’s 1709 novel The New Atalantis about using books to seduce a lover. This is a different take on the love/sex/books relationship Stefanie described, a more literal one. The story, which I think is only a small part of Manley’s book (I’ve only read the quotation from the history book, not the entire thing) is about a woman, Charlot, whose guardian/father-figure first uses books to teach her of the dangers of sex. But then he falls in love with her, and he uses books for the opposite purpose: seduction. It’s quite scandalous. Her guardian, the Duke:

was obliged to return to court and had recommended to her reading the most dangerous books of love – Ovid, Petrarch, Tibullus – those moving tragedies that so powerfully expose the force of love and corrupt the mind. He went even farther, and left her such as explained the nature, manner and raptures of enjoyment. Thus he infused poison into the ears of the lovely virgin. She easily (from those emotions she found in her self) believed as highly of those delights as was imaginable. Her waking thoughts, her golden slumber, ran all of a bliss only imagined, but never proved. She even forgot, as one that wakes from sleep and the visions of the night, all those precepts of airy virtue, which she found had nothing to do with nature. She longed again to renew those dangerous delights. The Duke was an age absent from her; she could only in imagination possess what she believed so pleasing. Her memory was prodigious. She was indefatigable in reading. The Duke had left orders she should not be controlled in any thing. Whole nights were wasted by her in that gallery. She had too well informed her self of the speculative joys of love. There are books dangerous to the community of mankind, abominable for virgins, and destructive to youth; such as explain the mysteries of nature, the congregated pleasure of Venus, the full delight of mutual lovers and which rather ought to pass the fire than the press. The Duke had laid in her way such as made no mention of virtue or honour but only advanced native, generous and undissembled love. She was become so great a proficient that nothing of the theory was a stranger to her.


The Duke wants to seduce her, and so absents himself and leaves her with books. Reading comes to take the place of sex while he’s gone, and reading about sex is described as kind of like sex itself: she is indefatigable, uncontrolled, longing, and passionate. It makes you think about the pleasures of reading in a new way, huh?

I think the narrator’s position in this passage is interesting. The narrator is judgmental – these books are poison, bringing corruption, and Charlot is a victim of the predatory Duke – but the narrator is also vicariously enjoying Charlot’s seduction. And Charlot’s pleasure is so well described that it overwhelms the moral judgments. Underneath the moralizing, the narrator is enjoying and legitimizing Charlot’s sexual awakening. This is scandalous stuff for an eighteenth-century woman writer, and so Manley is putting in the tone of warning, but she’s also enjoying herself through writing as Charlot is through reading, and the book is meant to titillate more than to teach a lesson about virtue. Manley is walking a fine line between being entertaining her readers, both men and women, (and thereby selling books) and getting into a lot of trouble.

Anyway, part of the point of the book – the history of the novel book, not Manley’s book – is to analyze this kind of early novel and help us understand its place in novel history. And to show that this kind of writing – precursor to modern “cheap,” “low-brow” romances – is as much as part of novel history as Daniel Defoe and Samuel Richardson.

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Trusting one’s opinions

I don’t really trust my opinions about books. I get all self-conscious about my responses and begin to question them, and then I don’t really know what I think anymore. Iliana wrote about getting the impulse to start nitpicking at a book when it’s gotten a lot of praise, and I can do that sometimes too. Or sometimes if one person doesn’t like a book, I’ll read that book ready to be critical too. And then I often am. And I can be very influenced by book reviewer’s opinions, at least those of book reviewers I know and like, or those whose reviews are very well written. But why should I trust a book reviewer? Intellectually, I know better than that. But I’m influenced anyway.

I guess part of the problem is that I don’t really know what criteria I’m working with when I judge a novel, at least a contemporary one. You could say I should just go with the criteria of personal pleasure — if I liked the experience of reading a book, it’s good. And I try to trust those feelings; I’ve become more and more convinced that they are important and should be trusted. But I know quite well that a pleasurable response is a complicated thing, not least because I know I can feel pleasure reading a book if I expect to, if I’m set up to, if I decide I’m going to. It’s not, at least for me, like I simply enjoy something or I don’t. Well, sometimes it’s like that, but often it’s more like, hmmm, I’m kind of enjoying this but I have no idea why, and I bet my friend who’s also reading the book isn’t liking it, and how can I be right when she’s generally right? Or, I’m not sure I have an opinion about this at all. Or, I’m not liking this because I’m all distracted and not being a good reader, and if I could simply concentrate I’d love it. Or, I’m liking this, but am I liking it because I read a good review about it? Would I like it if I’d read a bad one? Or, I like this character, but what about the plot? What about the larger ideas of the book? What fantastic things are going on in this book that I have no idea about?

I wrote some negative things about Hilary Mantel’s Beyond Black yesterday, but I’ve been feeling all this ambivalence as I’ve been reading. Really, some things are great about it — she catches the depressing sordidness of modern suburbia so well — but I did feel bored in the middle section. But I was also distracted and not reading very well in that section. Now, was I not reading well because I was distracted, or was I distracted because the middle part wasn’t very good?

And who the hell cares about all these complicated judgments anyway?

Do I read novels because I have to write book reviews? Because I am responsible for coming up with an opinion for someone else? Because I have some sort of duty to be smart about it? No, not at all. I read because I love it.

But there’s an ego thing involved. Maybe part of the problem is having studied literature formally. Because of my training I’m supposed to be equipped to give intelligent, logical reasons for why something is good or bad, and to get it “right.” People write reviews and criticism as though they are “right.” But there really isn’t a “right” judgment about these things. One thing I need to do, definitely, is to stop thinking that because someone can say something forcefully and in print, that they are right about it. And I certainly am glad I studied literature, don’t get me wrong, but I’d like to remember better that having some kind of expertise in literature doesn’t mean having all the answers to what’s “good” writing and what’s not.

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Disapointment

I’m not really liking Hilary Mantel’s Beyond Black. I’m about 300 pages into it (out of over 400), so I’ll finish it, but at this point it feels a little too much like work. The plot seems to be picking up a bit now, but the middle section is slow. It seems to me that Mantel has an interesting concept and good characters, but I’m not sure what she’s doing in terms of plot. The opening section was great, with Alison doing her show, channeling voices from the spirit world, and the part where we get background information on the characters’ childhoods is interesting, but after that, where are we going? I’m not sure why the characters are doing what they’re doing, why Morris, Alison’s spirit guide, disappeared, and why this new guy Mart is now in the picture.

I have to say, also, that I’m not all that interested in mediums and psychics and spirit guides and tarot cards and the whole world Alison lives in. I like to think that I can get enjoyment from reading about just about anything, if it’s done well – that I can use my imagination to understand and absorb new things – but either I have a real block against Alison’s ghost world or Mantel isn’t doing it very well because I’m just not into this subject. I’m willing to admit this might be my problem.

I will grant that the descriptions of the highways, the new, ugly shops, the sleazy public halls, and the housing development Alison and Colette live in that is now falling apart are quite well done. The landscape Alison and Colette move in is a degraded one with bizarre poisoned white worms, a plague of dying rabbits, and the children’s playground mysteriously roped off and marked as dangerous. It’s a cheap, ugly, tawdry world, and it’s no wonder people in this novel are fascinated by the prospect of the world they will enter after death, since this one is so depressing.

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Is there anything new under the sun?

So, I’ve begun this scholarly book on the early novel, William Warner’s Licensing Entertainment – it’s a book I should have read for school a long time ago but didn’t, and now I’m returning to it because I find the topic interesting. I love eighteenth-century literature, and particularly the novel; I find the story of the “rise,” or emergence, or development, or history, or whatever you want to call it, of the novel fascinating, and this book gives a new perspective.

One of the things this book argues is that our contemporary worries about entertainment and new forms of media are not actually new – these worries existed in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries too, when the novel was just getting going and when technology made books easier and cheaper to print. The forms of media are different – people then were uncertain about the effects of reading novels, while people today are more likely to be concerned about other forms such as television and video games. And I don’t mean to imply that all these forms are equivalent in their effects on a culture. But people in the eighteenth century argued that the novel was dangerously focused on pleasure and was morally corrupt. They saw it as people see “lower” forms of culture today, as cheap, often sexually-scandalous pleasures:

Novels have been a respectable component of culture for so long that it is difficult for twentieth-century observers to grasp the unease produced by novel reading in the eighteenth century…during the decades following 1700, a quantum leap in the number, variety, and popularity of novels led many to see novels as a catastrophe to book-centered culture…Any who would defend novels had to cope with the aura of sexual scandal which clings to the early novel, and respond to the accusation that they were corrupting to their enthusiastic readers.


Can you imagine seeing the novel as a catastrophe to book culture? And today some people worry that others aren’t reading novels. Here is one commentator, Clara Reeve, from the end of the eighteenth century writing about novels in the earlier part of the century:

The press groaned under the weight of Novels, which sprung up like mushrooms every year …. Novels did but now begin to increase upon us, but ten years more multiplied them tenfold. Every work of merit produced a swarm of imitators, till they became a public evil, and the institution of Circulating library, conveyed them in the cheapest manner to every bodies hand.


And these novels were corrupting the youth. This is Warner again; the phrases he’s quoting come from another eighteenth-century commentator, Vicesimus Knox:

This saturation of culture by novels defeats that most time-honored method for protecting the innocence of youth from “the corruptions of the living world” – namely, physically secluding them from the “temptations” and “vice” of that world. Still worse, when novels are transported into the “recesses of the closet” used for free private reading or writing, they insinuate themselves into the mental life of the young reader, where they can “pollute the heart,” “inflame the passions,” and “teach all the malignity of vice.”


So some things have changed, some haven’t. We’re worried about the effects of new forms of entertainment on those who consume them. We’re still worrying about the vast numbers of novels out there and their supposedly low quality. We still think our reading culture is debased and getting worse. We still have people worrying about the corrupting influence of some novels and wanting to ban or censor them, although the act of reading a novel itself isn’t as suspect. Except, as Alberto Manguel describes, many are suspicious of those who devote hours to novel reading, and probably many of us have had parents who were anxious about the hours we spent reading as a child. There’s something about the privacy of the act that makes people nervous.

I like reminders that our culture’s current-day worries are actually quite old. Those who worry about “scandalous” content in contemporary novels should go read Aphra Behn’s Love Letters or Eliza Haywood’s Love in Excess. They might be in for a surprise.

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Saturday updates

After Danielle’s kind words about my practicality in book-buying, I went out and bought three novels all at once. Oops. But I have an excuse: one novel is for when I finish Hilary Mantel’s Beyond Black, which I’m about 150 pages into, and the other two are Muriel Spark novels I’m reading for the Slaves of Golconda. I’ll read them all soon and then get my list of books-I-own-but-haven’t-read back down to a reasonable 18. The problem for me of owning books that I haven’t read is that when I look over my list of 18 books, I’m not tempted by them at all. Somehow owning something and not reading it right away turns me off from the book.

Anyway, the book for after Mantel is David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas, which Stefanie reviewed and inspired me to read. If you are curious about my Slaves of Golconda reference, check this out. The group is reading The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie together and then each member is reading another Spark novel; mine is Aiding and Abetting. I’ve never read Spark before, so I’m excited about this. Actually, I haven’t participated in a book group — in-person or online — before, so I’m excited about that too. All kinds of good things going on in my reading world!

And my other reads (because I’m in a multiple-book-reading phase right now): Jane Hirschfield’s Given Sugar, Given Salt (see below), Virginia Woolf’s Diary, Vol. 1, and The Tale of Genji. Also, I began William Warner’s scholarly book on the eighteenth-century novel Licensing Entertainment. More on that one later.

For now, since I finished Alberto Manguel’s A History of Reading, I’ll leave you with a quotation from that book. I loved it, and if you want to read more, check out my posts below. Manguel says it’s okay to steal books (well, sort of):

The act of reading establishes an intimate, physical relationship in which all the senses have a part: the eyes drawing the words from the page, the ears echoing the sounds being read, the nose inhaling the familiar scent of paper, glue, ink, cardboard or leather, the touch caressing the rough or soft page, the smooth or hard binding; even the taste, at times, when the reader’s fingers are lifted to the tongue (which is how the murderer poisons his victims in Umberto Eco’s The Name of the Rose). All this, many readers are unwilling to share — and if the book they wish to read is in someone else’s possession, the laws of property are as hard to uphold as those of faithfulness in love.

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Poetry Friday: Jane Hirschfield

I’ve begun Hirschfield’s book Given Sugar, Given Salt, but I’ve only read four poems, so not enough to comment meaningfully. I’m liking the poems, but I’m also feeling so awed by Mary Oliver that even good poems from other people aren’t quite comparing. But I noticed one from Hirschfield in particular. In her book of essays Nine Gates, she talks about Buddhism a bit, and I heard from a friend that she’s a practicing Buddhist, and that’s what I thought about when I read this:

Red Berries

Again the pyrocanthus berries redden in rain,
as if return were return.

It is not.

The familiar is not the thing it reminds of.
Today’s yes is different from yesterday’s yes.
Even no’s adamance alters.

From painting to painting,
century to century,
the tipped-over copper pot spills out different light;
the cut-open beeves,
their caged and muscled display,
are on one canvas radiant, pure; obscene on another.

In the end it is simple enough —

The woman of this morning’s mirror
was a stranger
to the woman of last night’s;
the passionate dreams of the one who slept
flit empty and thin
from the one who awakens.

One woman washes her face,
another picks up the boar-bristled hairbrush,
a third steps out of her slippers.
That each will die in the same bed means nothing to them.

Our one breath follows another like spotted horses, no two alike.

Black manes and white manes, they gallop.
Piebald and skewbald, eyes flashing sorrow, they too will pass.


The idea that there is no real self, that there’s nothing stable and lasting and that we change from moment to moment and become strangers to ourselves — that idea one can get from the postmodernists, but I prefer to get it from the Buddhists. Because the Buddhists talk about the illusion of the self as a way of ending suffering, not just as a philosophical idea. And the idea is that recognizing the fact that nothing is permanent, that everything changes and is in flux, can help us see that our attachment to things and feelings and ideas causes our suffering. In the end, actually, in the present too, what do our possessions matter? What does our status matter? What do our feelings matter? They will all be gone sooner or later, probably sooner, just like the breath I’m breathing now is already gone.

But this idea is hard to hang on to. It’s all well and good to say I don’t believe in a stable self or that my identity doesn’t actually exist or that there is nothing permanent in the universe whatsoever. But I live and think as though the self is not an illusion and it’s very hard to internalize the idea that it’s otherwise.

That’s what hard times are good for, I think. This spring has been rough for me, mostly because of problems at work, and it’s when I’m struggling and feeling unhappy that I turn to the idea that this will pass, that there is no sense in getting so invested in this idea I have of myself because it’s ultimately meaningless, that what matters is what I’m doing in the moment I’m in, not what I did in the past or what I will do in the future.

I like Hirschfield’s poem because it makes me think about the things that troubled me in the past — which I’ve now practically forgotten — and I remind myself that some day the things I care about now will have faded into the past too.

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Choosing books

Inspired by Julie’s post on choosing books (from Bookworm), I’ve been thinking about how I choose my own. It can be an agonizing process sometimes. I usually don’t buy books until right before I’m ready to read them (with a few exceptions), so while I own a lot of books, I don’t own an out-of-control number, and I, or my husband, have read just about everything we own (with a few exceptions). I have a list of 18 books I own that I haven’t read, not including anthologies for school and that sort of thing. I like going to the bookstore and buying something I can begin reading as soon as I get home — that way I can follow the impulse of the moment and find just the right book for my mood. I’m not choosing from a shelf at home I feel I should read, but I’m choosing from a whole bookstore of possibilities.

The problem, though, is that I can’t always identify what “just the right book for my mood” is. I will wander the bookstore looking at possibilities for quite a long time and agonizing over what I want to read, what I feel I should read, trying to find the thing I should read that I also want to read, or the thing I want to read that I also should read, and then feeling like “should” doesn’t matter and I should just read for pleasure, and then thinking that life is short and I don’t want to read something not worth while, and then agonizing over what “worth while” means. Do I want to read an older or newer novel? One by a woman or a man? Something experimental? Something more traditional? Something popular? Something obscure?

I remember one college professor of mine saying that when students have asked him what they should read, he tells them to read what they want to, to follow their curiosity and pleasure. I agree, but it’s not that simple! Because there’s pleasure in reading that’s simple and there’s pleasure that’s complex. There’s pleasure that you have to work for, that might not be pleasure in the beginning, but that after a certain amount of effort becomes pleasure — perhaps a deeper kind than the more easily-attained feeling. Reading poetry is like that for me.

And I want it all. I want to read the books that bring fairly simple pleasures, like, maybe, a David Lodge or a Richard Russo novel (not that these authors aren’t complex, but I don’t find reading them difficult), and I want more challenging reads, like, say, Virginia Woolf, and I want to read poetry, both older poetry and contemporary stuff, and I want to read nonfiction — books on literary history and on religious history and theology and on science — and I want to read older novels and newer ones. A while back, I heard an interview with Zadie Smith on the radio, and she said she usually reads older, “classic” books because there’s so little time and they are so great, and I agreed, at the moment. And then I read about all the tempting new novels out there, and I change my mind completely.

And so at the bookstore, I’m often in agony with all these possibilities and feelings. That’s partly why I’m tempted by the kind of reading plan Julie describes — she wrote about reading through the novels in the Penguin Classics list. That sounds great. I am very, very drawn to large, complicated plans, of all types. But I think that actually following through on such a plan would leave me a bit bored after a while. Because as much as I can agonize over my reading choices, I really do like the feeling of entering the bookstore without any idea of what book I’ll leave with.

So with those two feelings — wanting to be spontaneous and feeling deeply anxious about spontaneity — I’m afraid I’m stuck.

But I think I can deal with it.

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Conversation

I was reading this review by Russell Baker of Stephen Miller’s new book Conversation: A History of a Declining Art in the New York Review of Books, and, while most of the review was good and the book looks interesting, I was bothered by one passage in it. In the process of analyzing the reasons why the art of conversation seems to be declining, Baker considers the way technologies such as television, radio, and internet can keep us from talking to each other because of their endless distractions. He says:

Television and radio, alas, are no longer the only irresistible forces destroying conversation. They are now supported, perhaps even outdone, by iPods, cell phones, computers, BlackBerries, electronic games, Netflix, and the Internet. For years books, newspapers, magazines, movies, and recordings have helped people achieve what Miller calls “conversational avoidance,” but in this new age of electronic miracles amok, conversation is being hard pressed to survive. The man who wants to say a few words of his own nowadays may have trouble finding anyone to listen, but never mind, he can always retreat to the solitude of his Web site and speak to the whole cyberworld through the electronic megaphone he calls his “blog.”


Now, I know the kind of “conversation” Baker (and Miller, but I say Baker because he’s the one I’ve read) is talking about is in-person, face-to-face conversation, and that that’s the dictionary definition of the word. I know he’s not considering the larger, perhaps metaphorical, sense of conversation as something one can have at a distance, through letters or email or comments on blogs. Perhaps I shouldn’t criticize Baker for not taking up all kinds of conversations, for having a narrower definition than the one I’m using. I know that face-to-face conversation is different than written exchanges: there’s a spark and spontaneity and vulnerability in these conversations which don’t exist in other kinds in quite the same way.

But I still thought this portrayal of blogs was off, and that blogs can foster a kind of conversation that is important, albeit different from face-to-face ones. Blogs don’t have to be megaphones. And because of the possibility for commenting and emailing through blogs, they strike me as in a different category than TV, magazines, movies, etc., which don’t allow interaction.

The problem with understanding conversation solely as spoken and face-to-face, I think, is that it privileges those who are good at speaking and thinking on their feet. Some people are good at this kind of conversation and others are not. Baker talks about whether the gift of conversation is just that — a gift — or whether it can be learned, but that aside, some shine at it, while others don’t. And for those who don’t, writing one’s thoughts and responding to others through writing can be an alternate way to excell at conversation. I bet a decent number of people who write blogs and comment on blogs are more comfortable writing than speaking. I think it’s true for me.

When I teach, I like to use electronic discussion boards as well as holding oral discussions for this very reason: some students love to talk and debate and others prefer to write out their thoughts. Whether spoken or written on a discussion board, it’s a conversation, and I think students can benefit from trying out both ways.

I do get the point that there’s something special about spoken, face-to-face conversation, but I don’t see the point of elevating that kind over others and failing to recognize the benefits of conversation through writing.

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Alan Hollinghurst’s The Line of Beauty

I just finished Alan Hollinghurst’s The Line of Beauty, which is a beautiful, very satisfying read. It won the Booker prize in 2004. The story is about a young man, Nick, who moves in with the Feddens, the family of a university friend. This family is wealthy, the father a recently-successful Tory politician. Nick is in love with the son, Toby, and fascinated by the parents and daughter, and he lives with them observing them and loving them as well as passing judgment on them.

Nick gets labeled an “aesthete”; he is writing a dissertation on style in Henry James, and he has a wealth of cultural knowledge and opinions, and now he has the chance to leave his middle-class background behind and live in relative luxury. He is an outsider in many ways – an outsider to the Fedden’s world of money and influence and an outsider because of his sexuality. The book is a coming-of-age story: Nick explores his identity, his sexuality, and his relationship to the larger world of politics and money as he moves through his early 20s.

The story takes place in England in the 80s, and the rise of the Tories and Margaret Thatcher is in the novel’s background, with their severe economic policies and mistrust of social misfits. Nick finds himself more and more of an outsider to this world as the book goes on; as Gerald Fedden gets more and more successful, rich, and powerful, Nick’s deceptions and rebellions grow.

What moved me most about the novel is the close and careful observations of the narrator, a third person narrator centered on Nick’s consciousness. We get many, many descriptions of the intricacies of conversation, shifting moods, and facial expressions, in a very Jamesian manner. Much of the novel is taken up with party scenes, parties where much political lobbying and social competing goes on, and we see Nick carefully winding his way through conversation after conversation, sensitive to every nuance of what is said and implied. I love this kind of observation and analysis – what can be more interesting than thinking about the way people act and talk, their motivations and desires? The plot moves slowly, but I never found it boring; the heart of the novel is in the human interaction, not in exciting plot twists, although they are here too.

Beauty haunts the novel – the line of beauty is from William Hogarth’s 18th-century work The Analysis of Beauty, and it is an “S”-shaped curved which he thought is a part of every successful work of art. Nick chases after beauty, in books and art, in men, in life, and he sometimes finds it. His pursuit of beauty is at odds with the political culture around him, which values efficiency, industry, and economic growth over matters of aesthetics. It seems to me that a number of contemporary writers are interested in aesthetics and what role beauty might have in our culture – Zadie Smith’s book On Beauty comes to mind as does Elaine Scarry’s On Beauty and Being Just. I’ve read neither book, but I wonder if this is a trend.

I enjoyed getting lost in the world of the book. It’s a much wealthier, more sophisticated and cultured world than I’ll ever be a part of, and so as a reader, I was curious about it all and also aware that these characters wouldn’t think much of me, most likely. But in reading, that’s okay.

I’m planning on reading Hilary Mantel’s Beyond Black next.

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Reading vacations

Check out this post over at 50 Books on reading vacations. Doppelganger misses reading vacations, and although I’m not sure I’ve ever had one of these, I miss them anyway. They sound great. I’ve been feeling really busy these last few days and haven’t had much time to read, and when I do read, I’ve felt rushed and distracted. If I go too long without an extended period in which I can read, where I can really concentrate and get absorbed in a book, I start to feel all out of sorts and all wrong.

Books can ground a person, you know? Make you feel like there’s something stable and solid and still in your life. I think for readers, reading can sometimes take the place of prayer or meditation; it’s a way to be still and contemplate something — no matter what it is really — and become absorbed and focused. I get tired of constant distraction after a while, and even start to feel a bit sick from it. Looking at one object for a while, spending time with one author, thinking about one subject or story can be soothing.

The best experiences of reading, for me, are like the best times walking or cycling: I am completely absorbed in one thing, my whole being is focused on it, and I forget myself. To be single-minded is a great pleasure. I’ve tried meditation a few times but haven’t ever kept it up, and I’m not sure I ever really will. But other experiences can offer something similar — I think what I most need is to learn how to fully focus on one thing at a time, to throw my whole energy and being into one activity, to become absorbed in the present and not be rushing off into past or future.

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